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Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:49:20 GMT

the times they are a changin

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:20:38 GMT

for real. i'm feeling it like a ton of bricks today. so many things converging. god, i am so blessed to have a few really amazing people in my life. people who tell me like it is. people who understand that i am human and make mistakes. people that love and understand me.

tonight was just full of having things pointed out to me, whether explicitly or implicitly.

perspective is one amazing motherfucking thing

i was going to leave it there, but just because i don't feel like i do this enough for myself, i want to be sure to do this, so here it is:

though i can't claim too many successes in my life these past couple years, i still love a challenge. and i always will. and i'm really proud of myself for that. that's all.

I just had to re-post this C-list "Best of"

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 07:47:04 GMT

for future reference. maybe even a lesson if i cut out the more graphic parts at the end.

best of craigslist > SF bay area > California's Gay Marriage Ban: Disgraceful
Originally Posted: Tue, 26 May 20:37 PDT
California's Gay Marriage Ban: Disgraceful
Date: 2009-05-26, 8:37PM PDT

First let me say I am NOT a mormon. Not everyone in Utah is mormon, in fact the percentage of Mormon to non Mormon is gradually declining as more folks move in from places like California, Nevada, Arizona and the Snowbelt states. So, while the Mormon church does still have some degree of clout here, to boycott Utah thinking you are boycotting the Mormon church, is kind of like the reverse of the Christians telling their congregations that if they go to San Francisco on vacation they are supporting the gay lifestyle. (Everyone with a brain knows that not everybody in San Francisco is gay, in fact it's only about 20% if that.)

I am a California native born/raised/bred, from four generations of Californians born/raised/bred in California, retired to the warm, sunny climate of Southern Utah. I was against the first "defense of marriage" thing years ago when that idiot Republican Peter Knight was on his diatribe because I thought it was divisive and redundant.

I was no longer in the state when this last initiative came onto the ballot. But I would not have supported the measure (meaning I would have voted NO on 8), not because I am pro-gay per se', but out of logic...because I think "marriage" is a religious institution and I don't believe it is the government's role to be involved in either defining, or protecting the definition of any religious institution, under the separation of church and state clause. (In fact, if you want my personal opinion, while I'm not anti-gay at all, I think that the word "marriage" should imply what it has implied for thousands of years, the union between one man and one woman. But, since it is a religious institution, the power to define what constitutes "marriage" should be left strictly up to the religious community for them to debate and discuss. And if I disagree with one religion's views on "marriage", I'm always free to choose another religion. But to have the government tell me who I can and can't "marry" is CRIMINAL. Plain and simple. We have established Government to protect our basic human rights, not to be allowed to strip us of them, and we should demand a redress of grievances immediately! If everyone in the state voted to send all gays to the gas chamber would that make it legal? God forbid!!)

What it boils down to is this: Since "marriage" is a religious institution, then according to Article III of the Bill of Rights, the Government has no business in the "marriage" business...for anyone. The Civil Union should replace "marriage" as the Government recognized legally binding agreement between two people, regardless of gender, and it should be performed by Justices of the Peace (or other appointed Government Officials). We have already established that Government must treat all individuals equally under the law regardless of gender. Therefore, Government should grant the same binding Civil Union to any 2 people who want to apply for the Civil Union, regardless of gender. Once this Civil Union has been performed (a formality), the 2 people can of course go to any church, synagogue, mosque, etc. of their choice and get a "marriage"in whatever religious observance or tradition they see fit. It can't possibly diminish the significance or symbolism of it because in order to get "married" now, a couple needs to obtain a Govt issued license. Essentially, the Civil Union process would just replace the license application process. A side benefit of this would be an added revenue stream to municipalities for the Civil Union process. It's not a tax, it's a fee for services. It would likely require more personnel in many city offices (which the fees would cover), but there would be jobs created. It's not rocket-science.

But here is the crux of the irony in this whole California ballot thing (and just one more reason why I was so glad to leave California because it's just gotten beyond ridiculous....) But it shows how backward things are. California can't even pay its own bills anymore...but it's worried about trying to "defend" the definition of "marriage". How rich is that?

I have to wonder how many of those people who went to the polls to vote for this poorly-written measure to "defend marriage" are not even "married" themselves, but rather just shacked up together? (Before you tell me it's a 'common law marriage', you can stick it. It's not the same as that legally-binding marriage certificate...you know, that little piece of paper that the lawyers use to take away half your assets when you want to walk out on your spouse. That's why, when you're shacked up it's a lot easier to bail, even if you've been shacked up for 20 years and have kids and property together.) How many of those who voted for the measure even have a religous belief about anything? How many of them could even stay in a long-term relationship, much less a "marriage" without cheating on a partner/spouse (e.g.: committing adultery)? How many of those worried about "preserving the sanctity of marriage" have already been married and divorced once, twice or even three times...or even perhaps more...and re-married? Or here's one that I really would like to ask the religious community, how many of those religious right wing nutjobs calling themselves Christians who went on a diatribe about this measure, have been divorced and re-married, when Jesus specifically condemned this, (except in certain circumstances)? Answer me that. There is so much muck in their own back yards to clean up, they should stick with that instead of worrying about what others are doing.

How does it make you feel to know that your school systems are among the worst in the country, so bad that the majority of kids aren't getting the same quality education as their same-age peers in most other states...but at least now your homos can't get married. Thank God for that, though! Right? Show them who's boss!

The schools are in shambles, the roads need paving, there is no money to pay the police, firefighters and teachers and hundreds of other state jobs, and tens of thousands of kids have no medical care. But you have just made it that much harder for the queers who live next door to you to visit each other in the hospital if they ever get sick. What a worthwhile accomplishment! Give them the punishment they deserve! They're just queers, who cares?

Your kids are graduating high school and they can't read or write, and yet you just spent millions passing one of the most hate-based, discriminatory laws since the pre-civil rights era. How does it make you feel now that you've gotten your way, all of you self-righteous Christians and Mormons and Jews and Muslims and Atheists and who knows whoever or whatever else is reading this (I hope the whole world)...who solicited funds to get this measure passed? Here's a novel question...WHY did you people donate time and money to pass this measure when you could have just as easily given the money and time and energy for a worthwhile cause like doing something about the collapsing school system? Or lobbying your state assembly to change an immigration policy that is collapsing the state budget? Or one of the LITANY of more truly important issues facing your state? Are those things not important to you?

Apparently, fighting the cause of homophobia is more important than any of those issues. Do you think homosexuality is some kind of contagious disease? Is it the next global pandemic? Is it going to rub off on you or your kids? Does it spread through the air? Is it in the water? Are homo germs going to blow east and "infect" the rest of us in the free world if you don't take it upon yourselves to stop them? Please tell me, because I would really like to know how you think. Because frankly I don't understand how anyone's choice of a mate (which is entirely someone else's personal matter) can possibly have an effect on you so much that you would go to such lengths as to try and deny others the right to a peaceful and loving co-existence.

What doesn't seem to add up here is that homosexuality suddenly doesn't seem so taboo when all you straight guys shut the door to your den (behind your wives back) and go onto your favorite dial-a-porn site and watch the lesbians licking each other for the camera while you pleasure yourself with a bottle of lube. But, hey, we won't talk about that. It's OK for beautiful girls with big boobs and luscious lips to do each other for your porn addiction, but just don't ever let two "faggots" get married and/or move into your neighborhood. That's not the kind of homosexuality we want. But it's fine if you want to try and talk your wife or girlfriend into doing it with another woman (or two) while you watch, that's somehow "normal"...but the thought of two "faggots" who love each other getting married and moving in next to you is "just unnatural". (BTW, In case you hadn't noticed, you are what's called a pathetic loser.)

I'm totally puzzled here, California. Not because I expect you to make decisions based on religion, but simply because California has always been the leader in civil rights, equality and justice for all, and most importantly a "live and let live" ethic. California is not perfect, but at least you had a couple of things going for you in the human rights category. However, I am disappointed. You have let the country and the world down. You need to go back to the drawing-board and re-think this one because you made the wrong decision...at the polls, and in the courts.

* Location: I'm in Utah
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1190733170

* Copyright © 2009 craigslist, inc.

For _______, Whenever I May Find Them

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 09:57:39 GMT

What a dream I had:
Pressed in organdy;
Clothed in crinoline of smoky burgundy;
Softer than the rain.
I wandered empty streets
Down past the shop displays.
I heard cathedral bells
Tripping down the alley ways,
As I walked on.

And when you ran to me
Your cheeks flushed with the night.
We walked on frosted fields of juniper and lamplight,
I held your hand.
And when I awoke and felt you warm and near,
I kissed your honey hair with my grateful tears.
Oh I love you, girl.
Oh, I love you.

Happy Grad!

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 07:39:06 GMT

to Lauren and all my other favorite people.

was really cool to meet her fam and chill tonight. was actually really cool to get to talk to andrew so much since he drove me around all day.

i am really happy.

happy to have seen the people i've seen in the past few days

happy to have my health

happy to have things to look forward to.

happy to be loving life and all its perfect imperfections.

<3

lighting the sky, always the first star that i find

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:28:28 GMT

you're my satellite.

today the pain was very manageable and i will get new meds tomorrow. yessssssss. then i will go to davis for mail and hopefully get to visit with miriam before going back to elk grove for food and card shopping.

i'm gonna ask my aunt if i can just stay in davis while they're away the 11th-14th. i think that would work out nicely for other people to see me during those days. it will probably drive me completely nuts to be in town and not to have transportation, but it's davis, my legs do work, and i could really get into getting some exercise.

i am gaining weight not being able to be active and i need to figure out a way to exercise pronto. today me and dad were talking about things i can do while i'm home and i started to get really excited. he's so smart: lawn bowling, bocce, darts and he listed a few other things that are zero impact that i only need one arm for that are all readily available to do at home or at the bay. oh! he said we could walk the hard sand at mission beach and i would love that so much!

not getting any call-backs from jobs, but i think that's okay for now. i'm really in no shape to work 40 hrs a week anyway. i should probably start collecting unemployment. i just hate the idea of being a drain on the economy. sorry, i'm disabled. if there's a time to utilize those services, i believe it is now.

yeah, i have a big thing for guster right now.

i finally learned the right way to take off my shirt today

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 06:26:15 GMT

in an earlier entry, i mention that i found the one perfect way to get shirts on, but not how to get them off as perfectly. today i am almost certain i have it figured out.

here's how it goes:
part 1
-carefully raise shirt to midsection
part 2
HARD PART:
-carefully, slowly withdraw right arm back out of sleeve, hand first
-once hand is back inside shirt, move hand out of shirt neck until elbow is back inside shirt
-move hand slowly back out of shirt neck without getting elbow stuck
part 3
-once arm is all the way out, carefully gather as much shirt as possible onto right shoulder
-simultaneously duck head out and pull right side of shirt over head
part 4
-carefully pull shirt down and off of left arm

even though i finally figured out this great sequence, i forgot it tonight, got impatient, and sure enough, hurt myself like hell trying to get my shirt off. had to wait another 10 min before i could even attempt another try, the new RIGHT way

in other news i'm almost out of meds again and have gone all of today up until a couple minutes ago without them. i saved 2 for tomorrow. hopefully that will get me through the day and night. then we pick up the prescription refill the next day. oy.

adam came to visit me tonight. it was really nice. we saw UP which was cute, hilarious, and heartfelt at time. wasn't a huge fan of the last 3rd of the movie, but it was pretty great nonetheless.
then we came home and walked through the park to go get dinner. we got wendy's and i ate way too much and felt sick. it sure tasted good tho.
then we came home and did tarot. we found adam's significator and did a celtic cross which was kind of really scarily accurate

alright, i feel like i have to end this bc i'm really tired, my tummy still isnt very happy from dinner, and i just took drugs that will help me now and i dont have more for later.

last night i had the strangest dream

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 05:53:51 GMT

i sailed away to china
in a little row boat to find ya
and you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
didn't want no one to hold ya
what does that mean?

actually i don't remember my dreams from last night, but omg i had the best night's sleep in a long time. only woke up twice from back pain. sweeeeeeeet. plus, i wasn't dying when i woke up. actually able to wait until about 2pm to take my first pain pill =)

i was on my own for most of today because aunt debbie and uncle craig were going to a small family wedding. i got caught up on more junk tv and got to watch both the USA's and Mexico's world cup qualifier games today. god i love soccer. portugal won theirs too. an easy victory, but a victory nonetheless!

a 29-year-old who still lives with her parents won wipeout tonight. it gave me a sick kind of hope =)

i think adam is supposed to come visit me tomorrow, but we haven't confirmed. maybe i should text him...

in other news, i tried my hand at "cooking" for the first time since the accident. i made a horrible hot dog sandwich that was just as good as it sounds. but it was fun trying to "cook" again. maybe next time i'll actually use the stove instead of the microwave and toaster. i'm thinking that has the possibility to yeild much better or much worse results, depending on several variables.

i'm going to think of a way to be more active. im starting to put on the lbs again and since i'm going to be in this shape for at least the next few months, i should figure a way to not totally let myself go.

san diego 15th - 29th!!!

<3

addendum:

tonight is the first time where i can say i thought of concrete evidence to demonstrate my feeling that i have only ever truly been in love once.

actually i was talking to a friend and i feel like i figured a lot of things out. like how to have truly loved means to have never lost the love.

everything changes. beginnings and endings are the way of things. true love is unique in that once it is experienced, though people may go, the love does not. it simply slowly retreats into the folds of your being, to lie dormant until such time a memory or emotion is triggered that reminds us the love is still there and will always be.

how beautiful.

that loss might only be partial and impermanent

some of us

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 04:08:35 GMT

today was a day to ponder john mayer lyrics

tammy and megs came to pick me up for coffee at 10am and we ended up spending 2+hrs getting caught up. made me forget all about waking up every hour last night bc of back pain. Kathleen and Martin showed up later on, too. It felt really great to see all of them. It felt normal.

Megs mentioned something about "deck days" and I really hope they kidnap me for as many of those as possible.

It's good to know that I have friends in Sacramento. Next year should be alright.

Tams asked me if I was going to be living alone and I was like "yeah" and I feel like she understood how lame that can be, so she suggested I get a dog. Seems like the thing to do these days =) though even if I thought I could manage a dog on my own, I'm still pretty sure a dog would not be compatible with the house at this moment...what with Isis still living there, and all the stuff that could be damaged by an untrained puppy.

yeah, it would be nice if we stayed friends and even nicer if we became better friends.

i let myself eat a dark chocolate truffle today.

it was awesome.

spent most of today

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 05:29:23 GMT

in bed. like 90% of today. and the other 10% was in an armchair. haha, talk about being floored - catching cold on top of recovering from the accident is a pretty hardcore combination. what bothers me the most about being sick is that it hurts so much to swallow. other than that, really i can't complain all that much. just more aches, really.

sorry, not a very interesting post tonight.

oh, the one thing i did get accomplished was getting all my supplemental materials for the charity program application together so aunt debbie could mail it off to the hospital. let's keep our fingers crossed they actually come through and help me out with some of the cost. ugh...it's just completely staggering to realize i'm in debt about 100k at the moment. like, how in the world...

i just have to stay positive and hope this all works out somehow. 100k in debt. that is NOT the way to start out a career.

deep breath.

think positive.

Friends coming over for coffee tomorrow morning =)

almost didnt get to it tonight

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 05:28:53 GMT

because i'm sick =(
i must have caught something from one of the clinics we visited. i am super vulnerable right now, so it's a big possibility. basically my throat started hurting tonight and at around 5:45 i started to fall asleep in the chair, so my aunt asked if i had taken a nap today and i thought it was probably a good idea to do that.

i set an alarm for 8 bc my dad was getting an award for working for the district for so long and i really wanted to congratulate him when he got home. i woke up from my alarm and felt HORRIBLE. i promptly fell back asleep for another hour. when i woke up again, my entire body hurt and i was really dizzy. i still feel like i have a fever.

so that's the bad news of today.

the good news is that i FINALLY got the clinic stuff done (its a really long story at this point, but basically the hospital is making me apply for this county health program as one of the requisites for qualifying for their charitable assistance program). i never want to go to those places again if i can help it.

also, Adam came over to visit today and that made me super happy. He's leaving in like 18 days for 6 mos, plus it's finals week, so I was really happy he made it out =) After emma wouldn't leave him alone, we decided to go for a walk to starbucks through the greenbelt and it was pretty. I think it took a long time because by the time we got back it was almost time for him to leave again. but i think he's coming to visit me again on Sunday (talking to him right now, actually), so it would be great to see him again.

Tams also texted me to confirm our coffee plans for Friday, so I'm getting really lucky on the friend front recently.

Definitely a lot to smile about.

Now lets just hope i don't have swine flu =)

<3

doctor visit gnumeroh deux

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 04:52:11 GMT

so today was the day. today was actually the day for a few things, but yes, today was the day for the second doctor visit. i was pretty disappointed at first, but here's how it went:

bad news first: she told me i am not ready for physical therapy. in fact, i am at least a month away. which means it will be a whole month before i can even think about becoming independent again. i was telling my dad on the phone today how i thought a visit home to sd for a week or two would be good partially just because it will give aunt debbie and uncle craig a break from shouldering my burden. my dad said not to think of it that way. no, i know they are happy to do it. they have made me feel nothing but completely welcome and comfortable; as close to a second home as one could get.

it's just that i know i AM a burden, and it doesn't sit well me ME, you know? god, if you know me at all, you definitely know what i mean and are not surprised by this at all.

so needless to say, i didn't even have to ask how long it is going to be before i can drive again. driving means independence, but that won't come until AFTER the physical therapy, so most of the summer will be gone by that time.

it's a tough pill to swallow, time, but it's one i'd rather be on my side. i might be in a sling for another 4 weeks, not able to do anything active all summer, but i'm only 25. it's nothing compared with the rest of my life.

so now for the good news: TYLER GETS TO STOP TRIPPING SO MUCH ABOUT HIS SPINE. my suspicions about the numbness in my hand being caused by the sling were corroborated by my doc. she didnt sound too concerned about the numbness in my foot either. GOOD. if she's not tripping, i'm not gonna. she explained to me more about how my back is broken and that eased my anxiety considerably. of course i don't get to do anything that might remotely injure my back in any way, but the good news is that i will almost certainly not paralyze myself. i don't know how to convey what a relief that is. relief isn't the right word. i keep saying i wouldn't be ready for that kind of reality. and i mean, who is? but that's the whole thing - i don't think anyone would prefer a disability of that kind.

all of this is making me think about ability in a lot of ways. and i think for maybe the first time i'm barely starting to realize the true magnitude of disparity between able and disabled. i've felt for a long time that its an issue i wanted to be more involved in. i think i never had a convenient way to enter that forum until now. i'm not going to pretend like my current level of disability is anything like what people who are disabled face on a day to day basis, but i sure feel like maybe i can understand things a little better now. like how people don't know whether to help you or not. or whether to offer. or when. just for example.

so, here comes the sun and i say it's alright

my doc is a really great person too. i definitely remember writing about her in the first entry i wrote about seeing her, but she was just as great if not better. she said to call her anytime and she'll be happy to answer any questions i have. i could tell she was trying to help alleviate the anxiety i was telling her i had been having. and it worked. knowing that she will take my call anytime gives me amazing peace of mind. and she gave me this thing to wear on my arm that immediately made it feel better. i could go on about specific things she did, but it's more that i can tell she just genuinely cares about helping me. what an amazing feeling. thank god for health professionals like her. definitely add another one to the huge blessings column.

alright, i think i need to end this a little early. i have to get up early tomorrow to go do YCHIP stuff. that was a whole other ordeal today that made me pretty upset today. angry, in fact. but i'll save it for tomorrow when i can tell the whole story and when i have more time.

all my best, all my love, to all of you
thanks for coming along

-t

alright/i apologize this is mostly just stream of consciousness...

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 06:35:42 GMT

so read at your own risk =)
today was better than yesterday. it's a good thing to have good days. and tomorrow should be another good day, a busy day. a day to get things accomplished and yes, a day to get questions answered!

i am so looking forward to the doc tomorrow afternoon. oy, it will be such a relief just to KNOW. even if it's more serious (as a very good friend pointed out to me today), they should be able to handle it, right? right. we don't need any kind of scary health problems in our lives right now. no, we do not. p.s. thank you so much friend =D will be thinking of you

so dude, i dunno why i let myself get wrapped up in these things, but seriously, who else is quasi-devastated by J/K+8??? i know it's crazy, but i had gotten so attached to those people! like, the whole reason i loved that show is because i felt like they were just real people really being themselves, problems and all. and how precious are the kids??? there's no way you can watch that show and not have aaden melt your heart. hell, even mady's annoying precociousness is beginning to be endearing. especially seeing her sitting between her estranged parents tonight! do you think she has any clue? god, i mean, the kids must, right?

so not to get super mayer on any of you, but i really do love that song home life: A) it's just a good song in general, and B) the lyrics are pretty much spot-on for me. i feel like i want to paste all of them here, but to spare the mayer haters, i'll just put the parts i feel are most relevant to me at the moment:

1) "...see i refuse to believe
that my life is gonna be
just some string of incompletes..."

and

2) "...I will tell you this much
I will marry just once...
..it's fine with me
we said eternity..."

So, to kind of pull this together a little: I've alluded a few times since the accident that some of my life views/attitudes/goals are changing. I've also alluded more specifically that there are certain things I used to value that I'm going back to.

well, this is pretty much it. as long as i can remember, i've always wanted just one thing out of life: to be a good dad. i know i've talked about wanting this a lot lately, but for some reason it just keeps coming up again and again. i was watching the way Jon was playing with his kids and god it just looked like the most fun ever.

i know it sounds super traditional of me, but yes, i really do want to be married someday. in 5 years even. yeah, that soon. provided, of course, i find the right person and ONLY then.

that was a horrible/wonderful realization for me. the "right person and ONLY then" realization. because it means there's a possibility that it will never happen.

but lately i've been an optimist. plus i'm a really good person and i think that's gotta count for something.

i refuse to believe my life is gonna be just some string of incompletes

and i mean that in a few different senses. because to be anything near a good dad or anyone truly worthy of something like a life commitment to just one person, you've gotta be up to snuff for yourself. i'm really looking forward to holding myself to higher standards. to keep that bar high.

god after last year i had let it drop for the first time in my life. what a horrible feeling. yeah, so you can tell i'm way digging the whole "it's not how many times we fail, but how we come back from failure" mantra and any such quotes related to that kind of thinking. i'm pretty sure batman begins even had some kind of quote like that. and i was all "hell yeah" in my head, you know. knowing it was just a movie, but you know what i mean.

i started thinking about living at la via as a positive thing for the first time today. before i had just reluctantly accepted it as the best of a couple very limited not so great options. i think today something really important happened to me. like i was thinking about my gramma a lot. and how much she sacrificed for her family. especially for my dad. and how my dad sacrificed so much for us kids, and is still sacrificing for us and lately me in particular. i know he doesn't want that for me, but i don't see what's wrong with sacrifice. i know how much he loves me. and yes, i wish he had a better life for himself. but if his actions inspire me to do as much good for as many people as i can, i'd say that's something to emulate.

basically i'm just saying that i feel more and more that the things i want will be really difficult, but that that's what might make them so great.

hard work for material ease and comfort cannot reap the same rewards as one of great toil and personal sacrifice for the ones you love

it feels good to come home.

and i'll be here if and when they come

lying there in that po.si.tion.

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:28:12 GMT

so i'm kind of really worried about my back. like, i am kind of starting to trip a little. the numbness is not going away, and what i thought was rough skin on my left hand is probably me losing sensation in my fingers. yes, definitely starting to trip. two more days two more days two more days two more days.................

plus i haven't been taking the diazapam, so of course i'm tripping more than i would if i were on it. shit dude, please please don't let this shit get worse/out of control...

so today wasn't the best day. as you might be able to tell. was again in a LOT of pain from 3am onwards. i didnt take meds today besides an anti-inflammatory late on (about 5:30pm) because i had taken so many narcotics the day before to get rid of that pain. was kind of trying to "detox," which is interesting bc i definitely had a "detox" type of dream.

i wasn't feeling at all well, so i decided i needed to go to bed at around 2pm. i slept for 3.5 hours and had super intense dreams. not scary so much as just really emotionally draining. the way i described it to my dad is like how you feel after watching Saving Private Ryan. i don't remember a lot of details, but basically i was escaping to trinidad and once i was there i had to face the new challenge of how to feed myself.

now that i think about it, it sounds like an anxiety dream.

i did such a good job not tripping out tonight because once i got up my aunt reminded me to get ready for dinner. we went to Outback and i got my old favorite which made me happy. food makes me happy in a very particular way, so it was nice to get those good feelings. plus i ended up taking a short "walk" during dinner because i was so uncomfortable sitting in the booth that didnt have padding for my back and a very attractive hostess held the door for me twice. sure it's her job, but it made me happy. i also got to watch a soccer game and talk to my dad for awhile tonight. that also made me happy. especially once i took a pain pill when i got home, i started feeling like the day was pretty good after all.

but alone with my thoughts. god, i can't WAIT until i have a job with medical benefits so i can finally get this shit diagnosed and get a prescription. anxiety is not going to help the situation at all, so i just have to try to stay positive...

now it seems clearer why i am always so amazingly glad i've been able to stay so positive throughout this whole experience. a big part of it is that i am usually not able to stay so positive, especially about some not so great things.

i think i'm getting back to a place where i can start feeling some of the negative again. i am just so glad to be up walking and talking.

fuck, i just really really hope i'll be walking for awhile longer. as long as possible, please...

okay, what i'm going with right now, just so i can sleep tonight, is that the numbness in my hand is due to poor circulation since my arm is constantly in a sling and that i've had a lot of inflammation lately. okay, that'll do until i can see the doc.

as for the freaking out, i think i just need to take a valium to relax. it's one thing to abuse something that you don't need, but right now i feel like it's pretty appropriate.

will share news as it comes.
any and all positive energies are greatly appreciated. really, so much.

sticking to it

Sun, 31 May 2009 05:28:59 GMT

even though there really isnt much to report today. I suppose that could really be a good thing.

pain update: pretty similar to yesterday with the dawn patrol, going back to sleep sitting up after more meds and the pain subsiding to normal levels by about midday

numbness update: still there. which worries me. BUT I think there's a chance I had more feeling today than yesterday. which would be really good. Tuesday obviously can't get here quick enough for this question. i also want to ask how long they think it will be before i can drive bc that is pretty much what my complete independence hinges on. just be nice to have an idea how far away that might be.

god, i can't wait to see the x-rays. i really hope my body is making the progress i'm feeling on the outside. looking forward to getting the green light to start simple physical therapy. at that point, i don't care about the pain because i just want to get better.

i took a walk today. my longest yet in terms of distance, but still around the same amount of time. at least that means my pace has quickened somewhat =)

my aunt said she was really concerned about me staying in so much and not seeing my friends. she doesnt want me to get depressed. but actually i feel really good on that front. i mean, if you've been following these at all you'd be just as surprised as i was to hear that that was a concern of hers, though of course in hindsight i can completely see the validity. sure it gets a little boring, but really i just feel like i have a pretty realistic outlook on the situation: A) I'm recovering, so I can't do that much anyway, B) Davis is 1.5hr round trip for most people to make it out here and back, C) It's the last week before finals, D) After teaching for 3 days straight, I am "funned-out" for at least a couple days, E) etc. etc. etc.

with that being said, however, I am of course not at all opposed to people coming to hang out with me if you're dying to get out here =)

some somewhat fun things we could do if/when you come:

watch old vhs movies
watch almost anything on HD
play wii
tarot
arts and crafts
listen to music/sing songs
walk around the neighborhood
shop online for used cars
play board games
show you my tattoo and/or bruises
play with my breathing machine? i mean, if you really wanted to?
kidnap me to some unknown location

well, the list goes on. maybe not for that much longer, but i'm sure there are some more senior-citizen sounding activities we could find to occupy our time. i like the last one on the list the best, btw

oh! omg i really REALLY want to go to the movies. there are several out right now that i really want to see. plus i already know i can handle it. so name the day/time =D

watched nasa tv again today for the replay of the first ever 6-person crew aboard the international space station. pretty incredible.

no day but today.

i love you all

was watching batman begins/son in law

Sat, 30 May 2009 06:51:21 GMT

flipping between them on commercials. both great movies in their own right, though i guess i have to give batman more props for being slightly more clever than the pauly shore flick.

i've been thinking so much about ideals lately. i think it's been really good for me to reflect on that and start holding myself to higher standards. i feel like if there's anytime to do that, now sounds about right.

my left foot is still numb in the same area. i'm really trying not to get worried. at least the doctor appt is on tuesday. i can chill...

so three days ended up being the perfect number. since i'm so into tarot and tarot involves a little bit of numerology, i might have to get more into that.

i almost feel like i'm back to a me that i used to be, just with more experience. and i can't tell you how much that means to me to realize. i'm pretty sure the culture shock of college turning my world upside down, especially with regards to my personal identity development, left me searching for so many selves. it's good to know that i feel like i've got a really good handle on the core, and that i'm really okay with the rest being in flux.

besides reflecting a little on my past and present selves, i've been thinking a lot about my past. about people. about specific people sometimes. i think about the people that come and go. i think about the people that come and go, but are always just a phone call away. i think about the people that are here. and i think about the people that are gone.

then i think about the people that don't fit nicely into any of those categories. the people with question marks.

i think about things that i would really want. so much.
and today i got to thinking about those things that i would want so much. and i think i have to be okay if those things don't happen. especially because those things were parts of a big plan and big plans aren't always just in our own power.

but that's the beauty of it. and why it's all worth it.

last day teaching

Fri, 29 May 2009 06:24:50 GMT

for awhile at least.

and it was a pretty great day, i have to say. yes, i am completely exhausted and starting to feel new and interesting pain in and around my afflicted areas, but it was for sure worth it.

my classes were pretty great. i had a really fun time with them today. during English we were writing odes and a few of the kids wrote odes to me. their odes to each other were hilarious. i love working with kids who are into school. during history they had to take a test for U.S. citizenship i thought was hilariously easy, but which they struggled with. a few asked me if they were being graded on it and i said yes. a couple asked me if they were going to be deported and i said no. the rest of the time was pure playtime and the kids were good enough for me to pretty much let them go. some kids in each class took the "academic" option to free time and played a brain teaser with me called "the game." i was pretty impressed with how smart they were - each class got really super close to solving the game! the interesting part was that they got super close in completely different ways. the mind is so intriguing...and seriously, sitting there watching them just thinking their heads off to try to solve this riddle...omg i couldn't suppress a huge grin the whole time. they thought i was smiling because the puzzle was so difficult, but you know why i was smiling.

god, i basically HAVE to be a dad. or AT LEAST be around kids in a very significant way. like, for life. i'm thinking more and more about the likelihood of me giving classroom teaching another shot. i have to remember that even though today was basically just the epitome of why i wanted to teach in the first place, that not all days are like today.

but with everything that's happened
that's still happening
i think that's gotta be what it's about

at the end of 5th and 6th periods, several different students came up to me asking if i was coming back. or if they'd see me again.

there's really nothing like it.

i know it might sound odd, but i actually feel so incredibly blessed at this time in my life. that all this happened. at the end of the day, each day, i am nothing but just completely filled with love. i am getting so scared about the numbness in my foot, but i get to ask the doc about it on Tuesday. please pray/send good vibes/energies my way that it has nothing to do with my broken vertebrae and if it does, that it's not what it could mean or at least that it's treatable...i'm really not ready for that kind of reality just yet. god, i'm so happy i've been able to stay so positive through all of this. if i let it, the trauma can become overwhelming. but i'm here. and i am so lucky. and all i have is love.

seriously, thank you so so much for reading these. it's really important for me to write them. i consider myself truly blessed to have folks willing to enter this context with me, to share in what i feel to be an extraordinary time. if you're still reading these, you understand that, or at least are a good enough sport to empathize. it's so difficult not to sound cliche and maybe that's part of the recovery process. thanks for following me into my vulnerability.

if you're into talking about life, sharing a good laugh or a good cry, you know where to find me.

love,

tyler

today

Thu, 28 May 2009 05:56:03 GMT

was a pretty great day, comparatively speaking.

classes were great. only had to remind them about chatter a couple times and that was mostly coming from the group of girls who giggle shyly every time i call on them or am in their general vicinity. but they help me pass stuff out, so it's all good. middle school kids really can be terribly cute sometimes. its days like this where i know i could be an amazing teacher. somehow, someday.

posting late bc you know i couldnt miss the replay of man u. and barca in HD. besides all that nonsense about messi being better than ronaldo now, i thought it was a pretty fun game to watch. it really felt like that early barca goal was more luck than anything else, but it definitely rattled the hell out of man u. from that point on, i'd say the play was securely more in barca's hands as they found their stride and played to their strengths. interesting to think what would have happened if one of ronaldo's early opportunities had resulted in an early man u. goal. i hypothesize an ensuing 3-nil slaughter, but that's just because barca looked so shitty until their 10th minute fortune. anyway, good for barca. they had one hell of a year in la liga and it's always nice to see an underdog win a major contest. god i love uefa. can't wait for more world cup qualifiers until next year's premier and uefa.

in other sports news, lakers: you got LUCKY. nothing like a little home-cooking, eh? in all honesty, i just really think Denver is the better team.

but that's just the thing. sometimes the better team doesn't win. sometimes you just have to enjoy the ride.

good night, my friends. thanks for coming along for this leg of the journey.

p.s. i can almost put on my shirts like normal. almost =)

first day back

Wed, 27 May 2009 04:15:08 GMT

was totally exhausting.

i'm pretty lucky, actually, i've got good classes for the next two days. what sucked is that they sprung an extra period in on me during my prep which is NEVER fun (except if you count that one time when i got paid time and a half for also doing a zero the same day), but especially bc today it was the most rowdy-ass 7th grade class ever. and it was the last period of the day. definitely worked harder that period than all the other classes combined.

teaching history was an added bonus because basically all I did was explain what the history book was leaving out about "treaties" with native americans and who did all that work for so little pay building the transcontinental railroad. yes, it was tantamount to slave labor. dude, that's why if i ever do go into teaching again i just REALLY want an honors humanities (English+History) core class like i had when i was in middle school. we'll have to see, i guess.

by the time that hellish 7th period was over, i was so done. but i had assigned a detention and whaddya know the kid actually shows up so i get to oversee classroom cleaning detail for an extra 20 min. then emma jumped on my bad side twice in the car on the way home. she hasn't done it once since i've been here, but it was definitely enough for me to completely avoid her for the rest of the night. then i get home and hear about the ruling. so by that point i'm pretty much just done.

long fucking day. still feeling the pain from it, even after my nightly double-dose plus icing plus a valium to chill out.

this is the road. and i'll be damned if don't charge full speed ahead.

it's not about a light at the end of the tunnel

it's about doing it all the way, every day. that road.

<3

look at me all kind-of resposible and shit

Tue, 26 May 2009 05:47:06 GMT

i'm happy i'm doing this much earlier and getting to bed at a reasonable hour. well, 2 hours before last night anyway, and i think that's pretty good.

i went for two 30 min walks in the past two days. it's great, especially because just 4 days ago i had trouble even maintaining enough energy to stay awake throughout the day. when i'm walking it just kind of feels like hiking at high altitude bc my lung capacity still sucks. i've been hitting the breathing machine much more regularly, though, so hopefully between that and taking walks, i'll start recuperating on that front as much as i feel like i've been able to on so many others.

really, if you saw me now, you would pretty much have no idea only three and a half weeks ago i had a traumatic near-death experience. which is good bc middle schoolers can smell a drop of weakness a mile away. i'm going to basically work the badass angle with them, i've decided. "yeah, you wanna know how many bones i broke?" "i don't even really need this sling, i just think it looks hella cool"

i dunno, something along those lines.

i have been getting really nervous all day about teaching and how it will go, but i took a valium tonight so i can rest up easy, and its def working bc the stress is gone.

plus, shit, i can handle this.

i was reflecting tonight on the meanings of "The Chariot" and i feel like it pretty much sums up my attitude since the accident in a nutshell. the driver of the chariot is almost never depicted as holding reins, let alone any being present. the two beasts driving the chariot are opposites. yet, the charioteer is confident, allowing the chariot to charge forward, forward.

i find myself driven forward by the opposite forces of will and destiny.

in so many ways.

really, i can't explain how rapidly my recovery seems to be coming these past couple days. its truly as if some new force is compelling me forward at great speed.

for now i'm doing my best to do what i can on my end, and from there, truly enjoy being a passenger in the ever constant swirling toward inevitable entropy.

Mon, 25 May 2009 07:22:25 GMT

i keep waiting too long to do these.

today was another one of those days where things just kind of worked out miraculously.

i was feeling pretty low bc all i did all day was watch the indy 500 which besides there being a woman who finished 3rd was pretty boring. and i took a nap instead of going on a walk around the neighborhood and i was really sad to be neglecting my goal. and i didnt call rachel back last night bc i wanted to be in the right headspace and i just wasn't feeling good at all.

but all of a sudden when i'm locked in my aunt's jetta before dinner bc of child safety mechanisms, miriam completely saved the day by saying that she was going to come over and she did and it was basically amazing. i actually let myself cry for the first time since the accident. but we talked a lot and we went on that walk around the neighborhood that i had made a goal to do and i was able to do it and it was just all kinds of great. thank you thank you thank you a million times

i really should get out of this sleep pattern
i have to teach in two days.

Sun, 24 May 2009 06:34:53 GMT

i'm almost feeling now like i have more energy each day. things are slowly getting back to "normal" at least on the energy end of things. i definitely still have 5 broken ribs, and broken shoulder and a broken back, but other than that i am feeling much like my old self. every time i see my bike in the garage (my uncle fixed it for me!) i want to ride it so bad. really what i want is to get out. i am starting to get a little stir crazy and feel like i can finally handle being out of the house. i'm not saying i could hang exactly like i used to, no; there are def still limitations. i'm just saying it would be great to go experience some life outside these walls for awhile. just get some fresh air maybe. god i would love to see some people.

who knows, i might take a walk around elk grove tomorrow. well, that would probably be a little too ambitious. lets start with a walk around the neighborhood. k, sounds like a plan.

so what i did today was watch copious amounts of antm with my aunt and the lakers/nuggets game with my uncle. in between we drove to woodland to see how long it will take me to get to work this coming week. i mentioned we could stop briefly in Davis so i could get my social security card (need it for medical payments red tape blah blah...) and my mail.

The drive from the middle school to my apartment almost made me want to cry. I know i probably feel things too deeply most of the time, but all of a sudden as we were merging onto 113 south, it occurred to me that I would never have that commute again. It's funny how much i had come to love something so simple as that drive, alone in my pickup, with the changing fields whizzing by and the radio on npr. i suppose it's likely i'll have other "loss" encounters like that as i transition from this stage of life to the next. like how i'm conveniently ignoring the fact that i won't see my friends in davis on a daily or maybe even weekly basis anymore. like how i won't be living in davis at all anymore.

at least that last part i can live with. i will miss the comfort of davis, but it's absolutely time for a change of scenery and time for growth. it's such a double edged sword being the "tender little guy" i am. even though i probably experience loss more than average, i'm glad to love things, even simple things like my sunsets in rural yolo county, as deeply as i do.

even if it means it hurts that much more to leave, i'm proud to have loved, and loved so deeply

and i would never want anything different.

and as i sit here re-reading
really
what a joy
to know the sunset will always be there

wherever "there" is

Sat, 23 May 2009 06:37:45 GMT

new drug regimen. skip morning, double at night. forgot to update til now. found hopefully good job lead. miss seeing people. got a card from julie and a box from mom and dad. so so sweet. i really do miss seeing people. some people i don't understand, but that's okay. people are people and its more about me letting go i think. which works bc that's a lot about what this recovery is about.

i miss my cat and wish i could have him with me during this time. that's him in my new/old profile picture (facebook).

tyler is down with the current, and the current is the loveflow, and currently will be following it to sleep now.

its so great to know that even after all the questions the love is always still there

i'm really glad about that

Fri, 22 May 2009 04:37:20 GMT

today is the first day i've stayed up all day. i started setting little goals for myself like "try to stay up all day today" in order to prepare for the 3 days i'll be teaching next week. yeah, you heard me right, i'm getting my ass back in the classroom already. i would by lying if i were to say it wasn't almost completely out of financial necessity, but also i'm just fucking determined to recover. i'm also partially weaning myself off some of the more hardcore meds so by the time i'm teaching next week, i'll hopefully be able to make it through the day without being under the influence of my painkillers. this will definitely make for some tough days, no doubt, but i'll definitely use my best judgment to do what is responsible for both me and the kids.

setting these goals is also good for me because it means i'm taking a more active role in my recovery process. also i have the added boost of feeling accomplished if i meet or exceed my goals. so like today, where i met my goal, i get to feel good mentally, which in turn leads to less pain physically.

weaning off the valium unfortunately has the consequence that some of the not so great thoughts have a chance to materialize. like how i stupidly rested my bad arm on the back of a chair while leaning over it and when my arm slipped causing my shoulder to erupt in pain, i immediately thought "fuck i'm re-injuring myself" or like how i felt a slight numbness in the bottom of my left foot and immediately thought "shit, my fucking vertebrae fracture..."

basically i've just accepted that things are going to take some time, and its okay if that's not easy. it definitely helps for me to write all of this out, however, just to kind of keep things straight in my head. it would be tempting just to remain in the drug-induced sleep all day phase of the first week and a half or so, but at this point some pain is meant to be felt, and i'm just not cool with doing less than i can handle. i've already learned the hard way not to do too much more than i can handle, especially for any sustained period, but i've decided that pretty much the best thing for my physical and mental health at this point is to do just as much as i can and be okay with the things that i can't do yet. tough, but do-able. for sure do-able.

you're pretty much a saint at this point if you're still reading these daily. just check in when it's good for you, and i'll be sure to reciprocate with my sincerest thanks =)

wow, apparently LJ's only been around 10 years (as of today?) and I'm pretty sure I've had a livejournal account of one kind or another for about that long. i have to keep reminding myself that i grew up with the dawn of the internet when www.theamazingfishcam.com and www.killbarney.com were IT.
this means nothing to those of you reading via my facebook imports, but yeah, livejournal is where I'm keeping all these now.

oh yeah, dude, today was the first day i broached the idea of a possible suit to my parents. we talked it over and i might actually have a really good case. lots of evidence on my side. like how my tires were brand new (among several other things). there's pretty much no way i want to deal with legal bullshit for awhile, but if i can find the right lawyer, my parents thought it might be something to think about. especially with the astronomical costs. crazy shit man.

Thu, 21 May 2009 07:05:09 GMT

mailed off title to geico. gettin me some cashmoney

procured documents, copied pay stubs/transcript/title/whatever else needed copying/documenting whatever the hell, i just hope it all leads to something positive on the financial end like its supposed to

out for errands earlier and treated to angels and demons later by kopit and wirz

exhausted but very happy

oh yeah, dude, if you're ever in elk grove you should totally stop by. you have my permission even to come wake my ass up or whatever.

love for you all.