| the times they are a changin |
[19 Jul 2009|10:11pm] |
for real. i'm feeling it like a ton of bricks today. so many things converging. god, i am so blessed to have a few really amazing people in my life. people who tell me like it is. people who understand that i am human and make mistakes. people that love and understand me.
tonight was just full of having things pointed out to me, whether explicitly or implicitly.
perspective is one amazing motherfucking thing
i was going to leave it there, but just because i don't feel like i do this enough for myself, i want to be sure to do this, so here it is:
though i can't claim too many successes in my life these past couple years, i still love a challenge. and i always will. and i'm really proud of myself for that. that's all.
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| For _______, Whenever I May Find Them |
[07 Jul 2009|02:56am] |
What a dream I had:
Pressed in organdy;
Clothed in crinoline of smoky burgundy;
Softer than the rain.
I wandered empty streets
Down past the shop displays.
I heard cathedral bells
Tripping down the alley ways,
As I walked on.
And when you ran to me
Your cheeks flushed with the night.
We walked on frosted fields of juniper and lamplight,
I held your hand.
And when I awoke and felt you warm and near,
I kissed your honey hair with my grateful tears.
Oh I love you, girl.
Oh, I love you.
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| Happy Grad! |
[13 Jun 2009|12:36am] |
to Lauren and all my other favorite people.
was really cool to meet her fam and chill tonight. was actually really cool to get to talk to andrew so much since he drove me around all day.
i am really happy.
happy to have seen the people i've seen in the past few days
happy to have my health
happy to have things to look forward to.
happy to be loving life and all its perfect imperfections.
<3
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| lighting the sky, always the first star that i find |
[08 Jun 2009|11:19pm] |
you're my satellite.
today the pain was very manageable and i will get new meds tomorrow. yessssssss. then i will go to davis for mail and hopefully get to visit with miriam before going back to elk grove for food and card shopping.
i'm gonna ask my aunt if i can just stay in davis while they're away the 11th-14th. i think that would work out nicely for other people to see me during those days. it will probably drive me completely nuts to be in town and not to have transportation, but it's davis, my legs do work, and i could really get into getting some exercise.
i am gaining weight not being able to be active and i need to figure out a way to exercise pronto. today me and dad were talking about things i can do while i'm home and i started to get really excited. he's so smart: lawn bowling, bocce, darts and he listed a few other things that are zero impact that i only need one arm for that are all readily available to do at home or at the bay. oh! he said we could walk the hard sand at mission beach and i would love that so much!
not getting any call-backs from jobs, but i think that's okay for now. i'm really in no shape to work 40 hrs a week anyway. i should probably start collecting unemployment. i just hate the idea of being a drain on the economy. sorry, i'm disabled. if there's a time to utilize those services, i believe it is now.
yeah, i have a big thing for guster right now.
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| i finally learned the right way to take off my shirt today |
[07 Jun 2009|10:48pm] |
in an earlier entry, i mention that i found the one perfect way to get shirts on, but not how to get them off as perfectly. today i am almost certain i have it figured out.
here's how it goes:
part 1
-carefully raise shirt to midsection
part 2
HARD PART:
-carefully, slowly withdraw right arm back out of sleeve, hand first
-once hand is back inside shirt, move hand out of shirt neck until elbow is back inside shirt
-move hand slowly back out of shirt neck without getting elbow stuck
part 3
-once arm is all the way out, carefully gather as much shirt as possible onto right shoulder
-simultaneously duck head out and pull right side of shirt over head
part 4
-carefully pull shirt down and off of left arm
even though i finally figured out this great sequence, i forgot it tonight, got impatient, and sure enough, hurt myself like hell trying to get my shirt off. had to wait another 10 min before i could even attempt another try, the new RIGHT way
in other news i'm almost out of meds again and have gone all of today up until a couple minutes ago without them. i saved 2 for tomorrow. hopefully that will get me through the day and night. then we pick up the prescription refill the next day. oy.
adam came to visit me tonight. it was really nice. we saw UP which was cute, hilarious, and heartfelt at time. wasn't a huge fan of the last 3rd of the movie, but it was pretty great nonetheless.
then we came home and walked through the park to go get dinner. we got wendy's and i ate way too much and felt sick. it sure tasted good tho.
then we came home and did tarot. we found adam's significator and did a celtic cross which was kind of really scarily accurate
alright, i feel like i have to end this bc i'm really tired, my tummy still isnt very happy from dinner, and i just took drugs that will help me now and i dont have more for later.
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| last night i had the strangest dream |
[06 Jun 2009|10:37pm] |
i sailed away to china
in a little row boat to find ya
and you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
didn't want no one to hold ya
what does that mean?
actually i don't remember my dreams from last night, but omg i had the best night's sleep in a long time. only woke up twice from back pain. sweeeeeeeet. plus, i wasn't dying when i woke up. actually able to wait until about 2pm to take my first pain pill =)
i was on my own for most of today because aunt debbie and uncle craig were going to a small family wedding. i got caught up on more junk tv and got to watch both the USA's and Mexico's world cup qualifier games today. god i love soccer. portugal won theirs too. an easy victory, but a victory nonetheless!
a 29-year-old who still lives with her parents won wipeout tonight. it gave me a sick kind of hope =)
i think adam is supposed to come visit me tomorrow, but we haven't confirmed. maybe i should text him...
in other news, i tried my hand at "cooking" for the first time since the accident. i made a horrible hot dog sandwich that was just as good as it sounds. but it was fun trying to "cook" again. maybe next time i'll actually use the stove instead of the microwave and toaster. i'm thinking that has the possibility to yeild much better or much worse results, depending on several variables.
i'm going to think of a way to be more active. im starting to put on the lbs again and since i'm going to be in this shape for at least the next few months, i should figure a way to not totally let myself go.
san diego 15th - 29th!!!
<3
( Read more... )
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| some of us |
[05 Jun 2009|08:58pm] |
today was a day to ponder john mayer lyrics
tammy and megs came to pick me up for coffee at 10am and we ended up spending 2+hrs getting caught up. made me forget all about waking up every hour last night bc of back pain. Kathleen and Martin showed up later on, too. It felt really great to see all of them. It felt normal.
Megs mentioned something about "deck days" and I really hope they kidnap me for as many of those as possible.
It's good to know that I have friends in Sacramento. Next year should be alright.
Tams asked me if I was going to be living alone and I was like "yeah" and I feel like she understood how lame that can be, so she suggested I get a dog. Seems like the thing to do these days =) though even if I thought I could manage a dog on my own, I'm still pretty sure a dog would not be compatible with the house at this moment...what with Isis still living there, and all the stuff that could be damaged by an untrained puppy.
yeah, it would be nice if we stayed friends and even nicer if we became better friends.
i let myself eat a dark chocolate truffle today.
it was awesome.
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| spent most of today |
[04 Jun 2009|10:21pm] |
in bed. like 90% of today. and the other 10% was in an armchair. haha, talk about being floored - catching cold on top of recovering from the accident is a pretty hardcore combination. what bothers me the most about being sick is that it hurts so much to swallow. other than that, really i can't complain all that much. just more aches, really.
sorry, not a very interesting post tonight.
oh, the one thing i did get accomplished was getting all my supplemental materials for the charity program application together so aunt debbie could mail it off to the hospital. let's keep our fingers crossed they actually come through and help me out with some of the cost. ugh...it's just completely staggering to realize i'm in debt about 100k at the moment. like, how in the world...
i just have to stay positive and hope this all works out somehow. 100k in debt. that is NOT the way to start out a career.
deep breath.
think positive.
Friends coming over for coffee tomorrow morning =)
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| almost didnt get to it tonight |
[03 Jun 2009|10:18pm] |
because i'm sick =(
i must have caught something from one of the clinics we visited. i am super vulnerable right now, so it's a big possibility. basically my throat started hurting tonight and at around 5:45 i started to fall asleep in the chair, so my aunt asked if i had taken a nap today and i thought it was probably a good idea to do that.
i set an alarm for 8 bc my dad was getting an award for working for the district for so long and i really wanted to congratulate him when he got home. i woke up from my alarm and felt HORRIBLE. i promptly fell back asleep for another hour. when i woke up again, my entire body hurt and i was really dizzy. i still feel like i have a fever.
so that's the bad news of today.
the good news is that i FINALLY got the clinic stuff done (its a really long story at this point, but basically the hospital is making me apply for this county health program as one of the requisites for qualifying for their charitable assistance program). i never want to go to those places again if i can help it.
also, Adam came over to visit today and that made me super happy. He's leaving in like 18 days for 6 mos, plus it's finals week, so I was really happy he made it out =) After emma wouldn't leave him alone, we decided to go for a walk to starbucks through the greenbelt and it was pretty. I think it took a long time because by the time we got back it was almost time for him to leave again. but i think he's coming to visit me again on Sunday (talking to him right now, actually), so it would be great to see him again.
Tams also texted me to confirm our coffee plans for Friday, so I'm getting really lucky on the friend front recently.
Definitely a lot to smile about.
Now lets just hope i don't have swine flu =)
<3
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| doctor visit gnumeroh deux |
[02 Jun 2009|09:20pm] |
so today was the day. today was actually the day for a few things, but yes, today was the day for the second doctor visit. i was pretty disappointed at first, but here's how it went:
bad news first: she told me i am not ready for physical therapy. in fact, i am at least a month away. which means it will be a whole month before i can even think about becoming independent again. i was telling my dad on the phone today how i thought a visit home to sd for a week or two would be good partially just because it will give aunt debbie and uncle craig a break from shouldering my burden. my dad said not to think of it that way. no, i know they are happy to do it. they have made me feel nothing but completely welcome and comfortable; as close to a second home as one could get.
it's just that i know i AM a burden, and it doesn't sit well me ME, you know? god, if you know me at all, you definitely know what i mean and are not surprised by this at all.
so needless to say, i didn't even have to ask how long it is going to be before i can drive again. driving means independence, but that won't come until AFTER the physical therapy, so most of the summer will be gone by that time.
it's a tough pill to swallow, time, but it's one i'd rather be on my side. i might be in a sling for another 4 weeks, not able to do anything active all summer, but i'm only 25. it's nothing compared with the rest of my life.
so now for the good news: TYLER GETS TO STOP TRIPPING SO MUCH ABOUT HIS SPINE. my suspicions about the numbness in my hand being caused by the sling were corroborated by my doc. she didnt sound too concerned about the numbness in my foot either. GOOD. if she's not tripping, i'm not gonna. she explained to me more about how my back is broken and that eased my anxiety considerably. of course i don't get to do anything that might remotely injure my back in any way, but the good news is that i will almost certainly not paralyze myself. i don't know how to convey what a relief that is. relief isn't the right word. i keep saying i wouldn't be ready for that kind of reality. and i mean, who is? but that's the whole thing - i don't think anyone would prefer a disability of that kind.
all of this is making me think about ability in a lot of ways. and i think for maybe the first time i'm barely starting to realize the true magnitude of disparity between able and disabled. i've felt for a long time that its an issue i wanted to be more involved in. i think i never had a convenient way to enter that forum until now. i'm not going to pretend like my current level of disability is anything like what people who are disabled face on a day to day basis, but i sure feel like maybe i can understand things a little better now. like how people don't know whether to help you or not. or whether to offer. or when. just for example.
so, here comes the sun and i say it's alright
my doc is a really great person too. i definitely remember writing about her in the first entry i wrote about seeing her, but she was just as great if not better. she said to call her anytime and she'll be happy to answer any questions i have. i could tell she was trying to help alleviate the anxiety i was telling her i had been having. and it worked. knowing that she will take my call anytime gives me amazing peace of mind. and she gave me this thing to wear on my arm that immediately made it feel better. i could go on about specific things she did, but it's more that i can tell she just genuinely cares about helping me. what an amazing feeling. thank god for health professionals like her. definitely add another one to the huge blessings column.
alright, i think i need to end this a little early. i have to get up early tomorrow to go do YCHIP stuff. that was a whole other ordeal today that made me pretty upset today. angry, in fact. but i'll save it for tomorrow when i can tell the whole story and when i have more time.
all my best, all my love, to all of you
thanks for coming along
-t
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| sticking to it |
[30 May 2009|09:55pm] |
even though there really isnt much to report today. I suppose that could really be a good thing.
pain update: pretty similar to yesterday with the dawn patrol, going back to sleep sitting up after more meds and the pain subsiding to normal levels by about midday
numbness update: still there. which worries me. BUT I think there's a chance I had more feeling today than yesterday. which would be really good. Tuesday obviously can't get here quick enough for this question. i also want to ask how long they think it will be before i can drive bc that is pretty much what my complete independence hinges on. just be nice to have an idea how far away that might be.
god, i can't wait to see the x-rays. i really hope my body is making the progress i'm feeling on the outside. looking forward to getting the green light to start simple physical therapy. at that point, i don't care about the pain because i just want to get better.
i took a walk today. my longest yet in terms of distance, but still around the same amount of time. at least that means my pace has quickened somewhat =)
my aunt said she was really concerned about me staying in so much and not seeing my friends. she doesnt want me to get depressed. but actually i feel really good on that front. i mean, if you've been following these at all you'd be just as surprised as i was to hear that that was a concern of hers, though of course in hindsight i can completely see the validity. sure it gets a little boring, but really i just feel like i have a pretty realistic outlook on the situation: A) I'm recovering, so I can't do that much anyway, B) Davis is 1.5hr round trip for most people to make it out here and back, C) It's the last week before finals, D) After teaching for 3 days straight, I am "funned-out" for at least a couple days, E) etc. etc. etc.
with that being said, however, I am of course not at all opposed to people coming to hang out with me if you're dying to get out here =)
some somewhat fun things we could do if/when you come:
watch old vhs movies
watch almost anything on HD
play wii
tarot
arts and crafts
listen to music/sing songs
walk around the neighborhood
shop online for used cars
play board games
show you my tattoo and/or bruises
play with my breathing machine? i mean, if you really wanted to?
kidnap me to some unknown location
well, the list goes on. maybe not for that much longer, but i'm sure there are some more senior-citizen sounding activities we could find to occupy our time. i like the last one on the list the best, btw
oh! omg i really REALLY want to go to the movies. there are several out right now that i really want to see. plus i already know i can handle it. so name the day/time =D
watched nasa tv again today for the replay of the first ever 6-person crew aboard the international space station. pretty incredible.
no day but today.
i love you all
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| was watching batman begins/son in law |
[29 May 2009|11:20pm] |
flipping between them on commercials. both great movies in their own right, though i guess i have to give batman more props for being slightly more clever than the pauly shore flick.
i've been thinking so much about ideals lately. i think it's been really good for me to reflect on that and start holding myself to higher standards. i feel like if there's anytime to do that, now sounds about right.
my left foot is still numb in the same area. i'm really trying not to get worried. at least the doctor appt is on tuesday. i can chill...
so three days ended up being the perfect number. since i'm so into tarot and tarot involves a little bit of numerology, i might have to get more into that.
i almost feel like i'm back to a me that i used to be, just with more experience. and i can't tell you how much that means to me to realize. i'm pretty sure the culture shock of college turning my world upside down, especially with regards to my personal identity development, left me searching for so many selves. it's good to know that i feel like i've got a really good handle on the core, and that i'm really okay with the rest being in flux.
besides reflecting a little on my past and present selves, i've been thinking a lot about my past. about people. about specific people sometimes. i think about the people that come and go. i think about the people that come and go, but are always just a phone call away. i think about the people that are here. and i think about the people that are gone.
then i think about the people that don't fit nicely into any of those categories. the people with question marks.
i think about things that i would really want. so much.
and today i got to thinking about those things that i would want so much. and i think i have to be okay if those things don't happen. especially because those things were parts of a big plan and big plans aren't always just in our own power.
but that's the beauty of it. and why it's all worth it.
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| last day teaching |
[28 May 2009|10:50pm] |
for awhile at least.
and it was a pretty great day, i have to say. yes, i am completely exhausted and starting to feel new and interesting pain in and around my afflicted areas, but it was for sure worth it.
my classes were pretty great. i had a really fun time with them today. during English we were writing odes and a few of the kids wrote odes to me. their odes to each other were hilarious. i love working with kids who are into school. during history they had to take a test for U.S. citizenship i thought was hilariously easy, but which they struggled with. a few asked me if they were being graded on it and i said yes. a couple asked me if they were going to be deported and i said no. the rest of the time was pure playtime and the kids were good enough for me to pretty much let them go. some kids in each class took the "academic" option to free time and played a brain teaser with me called "the game." i was pretty impressed with how smart they were - each class got really super close to solving the game! the interesting part was that they got super close in completely different ways. the mind is so intriguing...and seriously, sitting there watching them just thinking their heads off to try to solve this riddle...omg i couldn't suppress a huge grin the whole time. they thought i was smiling because the puzzle was so difficult, but you know why i was smiling.
god, i basically HAVE to be a dad. or AT LEAST be around kids in a very significant way. like, for life. i'm thinking more and more about the likelihood of me giving classroom teaching another shot. i have to remember that even though today was basically just the epitome of why i wanted to teach in the first place, that not all days are like today.
but with everything that's happened
that's still happening
i think that's gotta be what it's about
at the end of 5th and 6th periods, several different students came up to me asking if i was coming back. or if they'd see me again.
there's really nothing like it.
( digression... )
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| today |
[27 May 2009|10:34pm] |
was a pretty great day, comparatively speaking.
classes were great. only had to remind them about chatter a couple times and that was mostly coming from the group of girls who giggle shyly every time i call on them or am in their general vicinity. but they help me pass stuff out, so it's all good. middle school kids really can be terribly cute sometimes. its days like this where i know i could be an amazing teacher. somehow, someday.
posting late bc you know i couldnt miss the replay of man u. and barca in HD. besides all that nonsense about messi being better than ronaldo now, i thought it was a pretty fun game to watch. it really felt like that early barca goal was more luck than anything else, but it definitely rattled the hell out of man u. from that point on, i'd say the play was securely more in barca's hands as they found their stride and played to their strengths. interesting to think what would have happened if one of ronaldo's early opportunities had resulted in an early man u. goal. i hypothesize an ensuing 3-nil slaughter, but that's just because barca looked so shitty until their 10th minute fortune. anyway, good for barca. they had one hell of a year in la liga and it's always nice to see an underdog win a major contest. god i love uefa. can't wait for more world cup qualifiers until next year's premier and uefa.
in other sports news, lakers: you got LUCKY. nothing like a little home-cooking, eh? in all honesty, i just really think Denver is the better team.
but that's just the thing. sometimes the better team doesn't win. sometimes you just have to enjoy the ride.
good night, my friends. thanks for coming along for this leg of the journey.
p.s. i can almost put on my shirts like normal. almost =)
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| first day back |
[26 May 2009|08:57pm] |
was totally exhausting.
i'm pretty lucky, actually, i've got good classes for the next two days. what sucked is that they sprung an extra period in on me during my prep which is NEVER fun (except if you count that one time when i got paid time and a half for also doing a zero the same day), but especially bc today it was the most rowdy-ass 7th grade class ever. and it was the last period of the day. definitely worked harder that period than all the other classes combined.
teaching history was an added bonus because basically all I did was explain what the history book was leaving out about "treaties" with native americans and who did all that work for so little pay building the transcontinental railroad. yes, it was tantamount to slave labor. dude, that's why if i ever do go into teaching again i just REALLY want an honors humanities (English+History) core class like i had when i was in middle school. we'll have to see, i guess.
by the time that hellish 7th period was over, i was so done. but i had assigned a detention and whaddya know the kid actually shows up so i get to oversee classroom cleaning detail for an extra 20 min. then emma jumped on my bad side twice in the car on the way home. she hasn't done it once since i've been here, but it was definitely enough for me to completely avoid her for the rest of the night. then i get home and hear about the ruling. so by that point i'm pretty much just done.
long fucking day. still feeling the pain from it, even after my nightly double-dose plus icing plus a valium to chill out.
this is the road. and i'll be damned if don't charge full speed ahead.
it's not about a light at the end of the tunnel
it's about doing it all the way, every day. that road.
<3
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| look at me all kind-of resposible and shit |
[25 May 2009|10:26pm] |
i'm happy i'm doing this much earlier and getting to bed at a reasonable hour. well, 2 hours before last night anyway, and i think that's pretty good.
i went for two 30 min walks in the past two days. it's great, especially because just 4 days ago i had trouble even maintaining enough energy to stay awake throughout the day. when i'm walking it just kind of feels like hiking at high altitude bc my lung capacity still sucks. i've been hitting the breathing machine much more regularly, though, so hopefully between that and taking walks, i'll start recuperating on that front as much as i feel like i've been able to on so many others.
really, if you saw me now, you would pretty much have no idea only three and a half weeks ago i had a traumatic near-death experience. which is good bc middle schoolers can smell a drop of weakness a mile away. i'm going to basically work the badass angle with them, i've decided. "yeah, you wanna know how many bones i broke?" "i don't even really need this sling, i just think it looks hella cool"
i dunno, something along those lines.
i have been getting really nervous all day about teaching and how it will go, but i took a valium tonight so i can rest up easy, and its def working bc the stress is gone.
plus, shit, i can handle this.
i was reflecting tonight on the meanings of "The Chariot" and i feel like it pretty much sums up my attitude since the accident in a nutshell. the driver of the chariot is almost never depicted as holding reins, let alone any being present. the two beasts driving the chariot are opposites. yet, the charioteer is confident, allowing the chariot to charge forward, forward.
i find myself driven forward by the opposite forces of will and destiny.
in so many ways.
really, i can't explain how rapidly my recovery seems to be coming these past couple days. its truly as if some new force is compelling me forward at great speed.
for now i'm doing my best to do what i can on my end, and from there, truly enjoy being a passenger in the ever constant swirling toward inevitable entropy.
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